Use Demands as Clues

A co-worker demands you finish your work in a week. You immediately sense the co-workers anger and take personal offense to the demand.  The demand and the demander push the receiver's buttons and may activate the receiver's own issues. A counter demand or opposite position is often taken, and voila, the fight is on. You are less likely to sense the underlying distress and anxiety your co-worker feels because his boss yelled at him and his family is struggling financially.

Look at the words and emotions as clues, rather than as final conclusions. Demands reveal unmet desires, mixed emotions, tipping points, and hot buttons.  Caving in to a demand will not necessarily satisfy underlying needs.  Going ballistic in response to a demand may bring you to a standstill or a messy end.  Behind the demand is a wealth of thoughts and emotions that ultimately show the path to constructive conversation.

Your own demands present a similar opportunity. When you are surprised by your own flash of anger and make demands, you may not be fully conscious of your own desires. You may be missing the underlying needs that are making themselves known to you through your own anger. If you do not heed your own clues, you will leave out something that truly matters to you.