Find Your Internal Conflict

When you have conflict with someone else, look for the conflict inside yourself.  While the blamer in you might be activated by the other person, your internal critic may also be activated. While you want to blame the other person for not taking care of their responsibility for a project, you might be upset at yourself for choosing this project in the first place.

When an external conflict is pushing your buttons, look for the internal conflict that mirrors it.  The internal conflict may be triggered by the person. If you are bothered by a boss or direct report, consider your history with authority figures and subordinates to better understand your current difficulties. Perhaps you are still working out a past situation where you and a former boss parted badly.

Question whether the discussion issue is triggering an internal conflict.  For example, if the issue is money and your emotions are skyrocketing, consider how you have related to past financial problems. Perhaps you chose a job based on dollars rather than passion and you still harbor regret. 

None of the above diminishes the other person's accountability or responsibility. None of the above excuses what the other person has done or said. In this way you will not be playing out your own issues unfairly with the other person.  By finding your internal conflict, you can separate out your own stuff.  Here you are gaining internal clarity so that you can now deal cleanly with the other person.