"I Hate to Negotiate!": Overcoming Avoidance

By: Grande Lum

Summary: Most people fear having to negotiate. Simple steps to get you started

Many people are terrified of having to "bargain" with someone else. They think they will end up with the short end of the stick. They are afraid of either giving in too easily or getting so fed up that they will explode with anger. Therefore, they tend to avoid negotiating. They find themselves not getting things they really need and letting difficult issues simmer. Negotiation is a lot like public speaking -- it can be terrifying. If this problem sounds familiar to you, what can you do about it? Here are some simple ideas to help get you off the diving platform and into the negotiating pool.

1. See negotiation with an "abundance" view. People would not enter a negotiation unless they wanted something. Recognizing this and the fact that all parties can leave having gained something can help reduce your anxiety. Sure, the pie has to be divided, but that's not where you should start, nor where you should end. Seeing negotiation with a scarcity view is self-fulfilling at best. Try to think about why the other side is engaging you. Find ways that you could end up getting both your needs met.

2. Make progress not perfection. Negotiation can be even more challenging than public speaking, since unlike a speech, there are at least two people involved and no script. Therefore, the outcome is more unpredictable, causing anxiety.  Focus on making progress in the negotiation, rather than doing everything perfectly.

3. Step into your own shoes. It is crucial to increase self-awareness and to see yourself objectively. What is it that you really want in this situation? What is success? What are the consequences of not negotiating? What will you not be able to achieve?

4. Step into their shoes. How does the other person see the situation? Are they out to get you?
Or could they also be anxious and trying to protect themselves? Given your assessment of them, how can you say things in a way that will best be heard?

5. Practice in "no-risk" situations. Opportunities to practice negotiating present themselves everyday. Go to a garage sale or flea market. Look forward to the next time you are at a restaurant and they get your order wrong. Gaining confidence in situations that are less risky can help you deal better in those negotiations that really matter.

6. Do your homework. Know your facts. What are the standards, precedents, data that may come up in the negotiation? What will you do if the negotiation goes south? Relevant information builds both negotiation confidence and competence.

7. Rehearse the challenging situations. Ask a friend or trusted colleague to help you practice. Again, since you ultimately have no control over the other party, focus on what you are going to do.

8. Relax. Most of us interact better when we're calm and focused. Find ways to ease your anxiety. Whether it's going for a run, meditating or reading a good novel, getting yourself in the right mindset is critical.

9. Remember that you don't have to agree to anything in this conversation. It takes two to have an agreement, both saying “yes.” Unless the agreement you have come up with in the negotiation meets your interests well, you shouldn't agree. If you need time to think about the solution on the table or consider more standards, or consult with other parties in the decision, then you should ask for the time to do so.

Getting over negotiation performance anxiety is a key to self-improvement. You can then focus on all the fundamentals and advanced skills of negotiation. Employing strategies to reduce self-consciousness, increase self-awareness and increase your comfort level are important steps toward better negotiating.